That is something I unequivocally want to happen. I don’t want to die without ever being with a woman again. Whether it be a brief encounter, a series of dates, or a meaningful relationship, perhaps even love… I want that to be part of my future.

In a sense, everything else is a means to that end. Why did men go to the moon? Why do we write poetry? Why do we work out? And read good books? Bathe? Grow up? Go out? Do anything at all? Ultimately, whether you believe in the ‘Biological Imperative’, or Schopenhauer’s ‘Will-To-Life’, the answer eventually comes back to this: sex.

At the moment, realistically, it’s a long way away. There is a lot that needs to change to make it a possibility, but… maybe it can be done.

But it can only be done if I have a reason to do it. I’ve been grasping in the darkness for purpose, for “a goal”, for a reason to become. There’s a lot of “Follow your dreams!” advice out there but what about those of us who have no great dream, who aren’t guided by some certain sense of destiny? Well, maybe this is it for me. I don’t have a higher purpose. I can’t see myself deriving my sense of self from any particular career… but if a career is a means rather than an end? Maybe that can be my reason.

A job, a place, a change of attitude and demeanour… I could be entirely fuckable in the not too distant future. Sure, it’s agonisingly far away, but that time will pass whether I change or not, so I might as well change.

The process thus becomes one of filling in the blanks — I’m not picking a desired destination, I know what that is: sex, closeness, intimacy, honesty, love. I know where I am now. The task is to find and navigate a path from here to there.

That isn’t just a question of changing my life, though that in itself is a huge task that will have to be done. It’s also a question of changing myself. I must become someone worthy of the time and attention of women. Someone attractive, interesting, benign, caring, decent and genuine. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time. I don’t want to deceive anyone. I want to be what women want.

The clock is ticking.


One thought on “Goal: Get Laid

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